“Everyone knows that the best parties of your life are when you’re not on the guestlist, but have hustled your way in on the door. Or at least those of us without shame know that.
“My day started with one invitation at least – I was attending the Bafta Television Awards at Southbank, and word circulated about an exclusive after party being hosted at 180 Lofts, which leaned more towards my taste: Black British media hotties, a DJ playing dancehall, Afrobeats and grime, and the promise of unlimited picantes.
“I changed out of a brown glossy satin Martine Rose suit and into a blue Issey Miyake two-piece that I thought more appropriate for an afterparty. My first mistake. The publicist suffering my presence, but kind enough to let me in, noted that the after party was black tie, too. So, there I was, in flowing blue pleats, pretending this break from code was a statement on gender.
“After that entry, I had little left to lose, so I made sure the champagne waitress knew my name, I leant on a table and twerked for a Love Island star, I broke two more people in, I met a television actor and spoke to him as if he was in character, advising that he take revenge next season. And I do hope I’m still off the guestlist next year so I can do the same again.”